Much has been written about helping children with their sexuality and coming to terms with your child being gay or bisexual. However, relatively little has been written about how to help children deal with having gay parents.  If you have children and are in a same-sex relationship then the chances are that your children know, even if you think/hope they don’t. Children are naturally curious and talk – a lot. You also don’t have a great deal of choice as to whether you come out to the wider community and the rest of your family.  I have yet to meet a child who could keep a secret for more than a couple of nano-seconds. If your child’s teacher looks at you strangely then it’s safe to bet that they probably know a lot more about your living and sleeping arrangements than you might be comfortable with.
The important thing to remember is that while you and your partner have made a perfectly natural and wonderful decision to commit to eachother, your family, especially any children, may feel very differently about things. Essentially, by living in a same-sex family unit you are flying in the face of ‘traditional’ family models that are taught in every playground and school.  Ask any child what family means and the chances are that they will say Mummy, Daddy and Children.  As gay parents you will need to support each other and be strong in the face of the potential prejudice you could face from your own family. You should also make full use of organisations that can offer lots of additional help and support.
If you are setting up a step family and have come out of a conventional heterosexual partnership this could well be the first time that your children become aware of your sexuality. There are going to be questions, no matter what your child’s age, and it is important not to be secretive or defensive when they are asked.  The best way to handle this is to be direct and speak in terms that your child can understand.  Tell the truth.  As with any step family set up, don’t expect the kids to accept your new lover with open arms as mum (or dad) number 2!  Be patient and keep lines of communication open.  Make it abundantly clear that you are sympathetic to their feelings about the new situation.  At the same time, stick together and stand by eachother!
As a gay parent you’ll have to deal with all the usual traumas and joys of parenthood AND tackle the bias and prejudice that sadly still exists in our culture.  Your children will have to face these too on your behalf.  It is therefore vital that you are open and discuss these issues with your children as and when they need to talk about it.

Don’t let any of this put you off! Gay parents have just as much love to give and are just as good at parenting as any straight mum or dad.  And for those of you with narrow twisted little minds please remember:

  • Studies have proved that children of gay parents are not developmentally, intellectually or emotionally challenged as a result of their parents sexual preference.
  • Having a gay mum or dad does NOT mean that you will grow up to be gay yourself.
  • There is absolutely NO evidence that gay parents are any more likely to molest children than you are!