Parent Gossip

Love me, love my children.  Like it or not, The Witchlings and I come as a complete package.  When Tobes and I began our relationship he was faced with taking on the job lot of us and I don’t envy him in the slightest.  Becoming a step parent is an incredibly difficult and challenging thing to decide to do.  The decision alone to get involved with the upbringing of your lover’s children can be overwhelmingly complex.  There are no fixed rules on how it has to work.
A common misconception for new step parents is that they will automatically love their step children as if they were their own.  While it might be possible for some step parents, it is not a given.  Sadly, step parents put tons of pressure upon themselves to find this love and to get on brilliantly with their partner’s children.  More often than not this results in a step parent who feels inadequate and guilty.  By accepting the situation for what it is and being honest with yourself about your feelings you can actually give yourself and your step children breathing space and that in itself is sometimes enough to allow the feelings you are looking for to grow.
Children in newly established step families will be frightened that the step parent will take their existing parent away, or in many cases try to replace a missing parent.  Trust me, it takes a lot of time and heaps of gentle reassurance that this is not the case to help little people understand that this is not the case.  Just because mum loves someone else it doesn’t mean she loves her children less. The love between adults is different but it isn’t ever going to replace parental love.
In our specific case, Tobes has taken on a huge burden of responsibility – practically, emotionally, and not least financially. I try to ensure that he knows that this is appreciated and that we value everything he does for us beyond measure.
There are no sure fire methods to make a step family work because every family arrangement is unique.
Top tips for making it work
1.    Be realistic about your expectations of your new family arrangement.  There is no magic wand to make the waters always run smooth.
2.    Make time to spend individualy with your step child/ren. Building a relationship with a child doesn’t happen overnight. Allow yourself, and the child as much time as needs be.
3.    Work with your partner to set household roles and responsibilities clearly
4.    Don’t take it personally. If your stepchildren have negative feelings it is more likely that they feel negative about the situation than about you.
5.    Positively encourage your stepchildren to spend time with your partner alone, and where possible, with their other parent. Doing this will help them to understand that you respect their relationships with their parents and will reassure them that you are not setting out to come between them.
6.    Be sure that you have developed a good relationship with your new stepchildren before you try to discipline them.