Your relationship may be in trouble but your role as a parent continues regardless. In generations past, it was common practice to stay together ‘for the sake of the children’ but really, who are we kidding here. Is it really better for children to grow up in a frosty disfunctional where their parents are slowly eroding eachother with their bitterness and resentment?

In my opinion it is better for all concerned, especially the childresn, if the adults in the family behave in an adult fashion and make a clean break of things.  It may be very painful and unsettling for the children at the time but it is healthier in the long run as they will get to see grown ups being grown up about relationships. As long as that is what they so see!

So if you are separating or divorcing here are my Parent Gossip tips for telling the kids.

  1. If you can, try to talk to your children about your separation together. They need to hear the news from both parents so that they do not feel taht one is betraying the other.
  2. If you can’t speak to the children together because of any tension that may exist then at least try to discuss what you are going to say to them separately in advance.  They need to hear the same message from each parent.
  3. Look at the situation from your child’s persective.  Keep your explanation simple and don’t blame eachother in front of them.
  4. Your children have a right to two parents and the right to love and be loved by both. Don’t take this away by trying to get them to take sides.
  5. Try to find ways to manage your feelings so that you are strong in front of your children.  You may be hurting terribly but it’s not your children’s role to support you. Look to your friends and family for support.
  6. Break ups mean change for everyone concerned.  Explain this gently to your children and expect there to be a lot of questions.
  7. It may be painful for you but listen to your children’s concerns and worries and try to reassure them honestly. Don’t try to sugar coat the truth to make them feel better.
  8. Children feel responsible when their parents break up. It is absolutely crucial that they receive regular reassurance that this is not the case and that nothing they have done has caused the break up.
  9. Nothing your children do is going to repair your relationship (Despite what various naff films might have them believe) so make this clear as well. Gently, but firmly.
  10. Your children are children, speak to them in an appropriate way and don’t expect them to be able to understand the complexities of adult relationships.

If you are going through a messy break up and have children there are various organisations that can help you to find a path through for you and your children so that you come out of your break up as unscathed as possible.  Try Relate, or Resolution.org for resources for parents. Older children can benefit from advice online at sites such as www.itsnotyourfault.org/

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