Have you ever sat in a restaurant or cafe and watched children eat with their families.  Because they are in public the parents will take great pains to berate their children for poor table manners ‘Sit up straight at the table!’ ‘Hold your knife and fork properly!’ ‘Where are your manners!?!’  The children often look utterly bemused at their parents sudden fascination with table manners.  These are children who have no grasp of basics such as eating with a knife and fork, rather than fingers (OK for chicken legs - not OK for mashed potato!).  I probably sound old fashioned and puritanical…. but….. I cannot stress how important it is to teach good table manners to children as early as possible.


When I adopted the Witchlings I was advised very seriously that before the placement could be finalised, and after I had met the Witchlings a couple of times, I absolutely HAD to sit opposite them for a meal.  This apparently is a real deal breaker in many cases.  Why? Well if you can sit opposite a small child who cannot use a knife and fork and who has no concept of eating with their mouth shut, and still keep your own dinner from making a repeat appearance, then you can probably handle just about anything!
I therefore started late with the table manners training for the Witchlings. Witchling 10 was only 3 so it was moderately easier with her, but Witchling 12 was already 5 at that point and had habits.
Here are my tips for helping your child to learn good table manners.
1.    Take Your Time: Bad table manners are often the result of children trying to rush through a meal. This could be because their favourite show is coming on, or they are keen to get to the next activity, or the simply don’t want to be at the table because sadly, the dining table can be a battle field for many families. Teach your child in a relaxed and calm atmosphere, that they should enjoy and savour their food.  They should try to keep pace with the other people at the table.  reinforce this by taking your own time to actually sit down and eat. How many of us are guilty of dashing about in the morning cramming toast into our mouths as we scrabble for car keys and help find lost swimming kits? It only takes a few extra moments to take out a plate and sit at the table to eat properly.
2.    Have Realistic Expectations: You are not going to teach your child perfect table manners in a single sitting.  Children need to repeat behaviours and have things shown to them many times before they become habitual in the way that we would like good table manners to be. Also, it is not realistic to expect a tiny tot to be good as gold and know which is the fish knife, or how to navigate their way around lobster thermadore! You can plan ahead for very little people however, by making sure they have a highchair that they have permission to make a mess on, but reprimand them if they spread that mess to the grown up table. When they ‘graduate’ to the big table, they will already know what is expected of them.  For babies who are not feeding themselves, give them a plastic baby spoon to hold in each hand while you feed them.  The association between cutlery and eating will then grow naturally.
3.    Lead by example: Reassess your own table manners. Are your elbows are on the table as you chew with your mouth open, or talk with a mouth full of food, while gesticulating wildly with your fork? Yes? Then it is only fair to expect your children to do the same.  Much of our children’s behaviour is learned from us by mimicking. If you have delightful table manners and don’t belch loudly at the table or snort rice pudding down your nose, then chances are, your children will pick up your cue.
4.    Chewing and Drinking: Mouths should be closed while chewing and nobody likes to here the food slapping around while it’s in there.  Drinks should be sipped and not gulped or tipped all over chests. For Witchling 10 this wasn’t a tricky one to do.  Witchling 12 however, through no fault of her own, had not developed the right muscles in her mouth to drink or chew.  A series of excersises to improve tongue tip elevation and the judicious application of straws to most drinks has helped her to develop these over time and I no longer have to play music to drown out the noise of children chewing!
5.    Be Consistent: Teaching good table manners is also an excellent opportunity to reinforce other manners such as being polite.  Saying please and thank you at the dinner table while dishes and spoons and condiments are being passed around is great practice. Mobile phones, books, pens and paper, newspapers, and games consoles have no place at the table, either for children or adults.  The TV should be off and if (like me) you do have some music playing, it should be at a low volume and NOT ‘Greatest Sing-along Hits!’ Mealtimes should be an ideal time to catch up with each other and share civilised conversation. We created news time every evening. Each family member would tell us a couple of things that happened in their day, one not so good news item and one happy thing.
6.    Be Patient: It doesn’t happen over night.  Use lots of positive reinforcement and reward the positive steps your child is making towards good table manners.  Don’t get on their back about every little mistake.  This will only make mealtimes an unpleasant stressful time for the whole family and you’ll never get anywhere.
As I said at the beginning, this may seem like an old fashioned thing for me to be so devoted to, but let me tell you, by the time I was 4 I was going out to fancy restaurants with my grandparents and parents and could cheerfully sit through a three course meal, without fuss and with (relatively) little in the way of mess or spillages.  There is no reason for the next generation to eat like animals at troughs!
I am proud to say that The Witchlings now have beautiful table manners and I really enjoy taking them out for meals as they never let me down and I secretly enjoy basking in the glow of compliments from waiters and waitresses on their lovely behaviour.  They can even eat with chopsticks better than some adults I know!

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